My Loss of Faith

When I was younger, my parents would take me to church. I didn't really have a choice in the matter, it was just what was done. We didn't go every week or anything, but whenever my parents went, I and my younger brothers would end up going as well. Once I reached High School, my parents told me that it would be my decision if I went or not. And so I stopped going, for two reasons.

1. I was incredibly bored by the whole thing. It was always amazing to me how there were some really interesting stories in the Bible, and yet whenever I was reading about them or hearing people speak of them, I was overcome with just out and out boredom and I would often sit in church and just count down the time til I could get out and do ...well, anything else.

2. I often hear people talk about being moved by the Holy Spirit. I hear people speak of this and I often felt strange, because I had never felt ANYTHING. NOTHING. In fact, while I considered myself "Saved" and then later rededicated my life to Christ, I never once felt anything. The closest I came would be just the overall wonderful feeling that came from knowing that others that were with me in Church were proud of my decision. Aside from that, nothing.

I have been to many churches in my lifetime, of various denominations. I've been to a Wesleyan Church, I've been to Evangelical churches, I've been to a Catholic service, I've been to "White Churches" and "Black Churches" and I have yet to feel anything at all even remotely resembling The Holy Spirit.

I don't know if I'm expecting too much, but I often see people in church when singing, they'll have their eyes closed and their arms outstretched, or even on their knees, with their arms outstretched, and I just look at them and think, "what phonies!"

And perhaps that's a bit harsh, but even though I've struggled with my faith over the years, and felt a bit put off from the fact that everyone around me supposedly felt the presence of the Lord, and I haven't, I've always treated prayer and things of that nature as a private thing. Not something to "show off". Even though I don't really believe that prayer is doing anything, I tend to do it nonetheless just out of habit.

That's why I don't wear crosses around my neck, I don't wear these ridiculous commercialized shirts with (in my opinion) abhorrently offensive slogans, one of which depicts Jesus' pierced hands, with blood on them, and the phrase "Body Piercing Saved My Life".

I see things like that and it makes me angry, because I considered myself a Christian, and that type of thing is patently offensive to me. I've long despised the crass commercialization of Christianity.

And while I've sat back and watched as all around me seemingly were filled with God's love, I sat alone. Empty. I was a paper Christian, for all intents and purposes.

I don't know what I expected. Whether I expected it to be something subtle. Some cliched "sign" that everything was going to be alright, or if it would be like a sledgehammmer between the eyes, in the form of Jake Blues standing in the back of the church screaming "YES, I SEE THE LIGHT!"



I waited, and waited, and it never came. The light never came, the subtle cliched "sign" never came. In all my years trying to be the best Christian I could be, while simultaneously accepting that I would never live up to that due to my sinful ways, I would help people who needed it, often to my detriment. I'd help people out with anything they needed, even if I needed it too.

For years I had been homeless without anything of my own, without any money, without anyone giving a damn about me, or so it seemed. So when I see people who need something I gave it to them, not out of some Christian desire, but just out of a HUMAN desire. I'd been in their place, and remembered what it was like.

And often, people would come to me and they'd have issues with their own faith. Why they would think I would be someone to rely on, I have no idea, but they would. And I would tell them things like "God has a plan" and "Things will work out" and "Well, the Bible says..." and the entire time I was speaking hollow words. Because I didn't believe them myself, I don't think. Looking back it is clear to me that, when I say these things, it's more of a fact of me repeating what I've been told.

I've long had a hard time accepting the idea of "prayer works" because common sense would say otherwise. It opens the door to realizing that Prayer worked for this person but not THAT person.

We're all supposed to pray for those in Haiti. Why? Why does MY Prayer mean ANYTHING? As if God is going to sit up there and say "well, I was going to help out in Haiti, but that guy in Spokane didn't pray, and well...we're a couple hundred short of the goal, so Haiti's shit out of luck." This isn't Oral Roberts, and God isn't going to bring you home if you don't get the right number of prayers donated.

And the go-to response to that line of thinking, that common sense dictates that the idea of praying for help brings up some very dicey logistical and ethical quandaries, is to quote the Bible that says "Lean not on your own understanding".

Although to me, that sounds like the perfect cop-out when you want to convince others of what to do. "Don't worry about what makes sense to you, do what I say. Pay no attention to the man behind the curtain! Who are you going to believe? Me, or your lying eyes?"

I don't even know anymore. All my life I've spent trying to live up to some impossible standard, and have suffered for it. I've gone through bouts of depression, suicidal thoughts, and a half assed attempt or two and all because of my shame and frustration at not being able to be good enough.

I'm told that God forgives all, and yet based in this world where everything I've ever done in my fucking life is held over my head and used to somehow symbolize who I am, not who I WAS, I can't grasp that anyway.

I've proclaimed myself a Christian numerous times, and yet I'm not really. How can I be a Christian when I don't believe in Prayer? How can I be a Christian when I can't accept the things I'm told my faith requires?

I refuse to discriminate against homosexuals and refuse to support their lack of equal rights. I refuse to support the Death Penalty, I refuse to support the Pro-Life side of things.

These are all fairly important issues that directly tie in to the Christian faith as far as specific passages in the Bible.

So how can I be a Christian when I don't believe anymore? I've struggled with writing this for the past week or so, and it's gotten heavier and heavier on my heart the last few days. I'm so frustrated and conflicted on how to go about the rest of my life, however long I'm here.

I remember Comedian Bill Maher, who's an atheist, saying that he felt that most people believed in God "just in case", meaning that they figured "hey, I better go along just in case this Christianity thing is right, because who wants the alternative?"

And all my life that's exactly what I've done. Virtually nothing in the Bible has resonated with me. Virtually nothing has had any impact on me whatsoever. When people ask me about my faith, and I say that I'm a Christian, I feel like the phonies that are genuflecting in front of everyone, and trying to put on the "Super Christian" identity for everyone, to somehow make themselves look better.

I'm no better than they are, those people I despise. I've been a paper Christian. And I don't want to be a Paper Christian anymore. I just want to be me, whatever that is.

I happen to live above a Church, and I remember telling someone a few weeks back that I have zero doubt in my mind that if I died right now, I'd not go to Heaven. I've done things in my life that I'm deeply ashamed of, and there are things I've done that I will never speak of, and for which I don't view as being forgivable. Whether I'm right on that, I don't know.

And I really don't know much of anything right now. I feel broken inside, I feel .... like nothing. A body filled with nothing. And I feel more alone than I think I've ever been in my life.

I'm writing this "stream of consciousness" style, because I think for this it's best. I've gone over the last several days of how to write this, and I didn't really know what to say or how to express it. I tend to ramble, and in my mind things are all jumbled and thrown together, much like my life, I suppose.

So if this doesn't make sense, or if this kinda jumps all over, I apologize for that. It's kinda the way I am. lol

And I don't really know why I'm writing this, or what the purpose is. I'm just at a very low point in my life right now, and I just don't want to deal with that shit anymore. Perhaps at some people I'll re-evaluate things, or perhaps God will somehow finally deem me worthy of hearing what he has to say, and everything will be clear. I dunno. And at this point, I don't care anymore. As of now, if it happens, it happens. Whatever. Print this post